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I've tried treating him as friends - both of them actually - but i just don't think it's possible. Exes cannot be friends. Period.

Even Matt, with whom our relationship never ended badly, not really. I just, I don't know, I really don't know what he's after, and while I know it's not me, as he's already said he's off girls (or 'birds :/), something is telling me there's somewhat of a motive. I miss having him around, but really, in all honesty, I'd rather have my sanity.

It's probably pathetic, but Alfie is the only man I need in my life...

... He's just so handsome!

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Had my first 'off day' yesterday, it wasn't as satisfying as I'd hoped. I just felt like I was wasting all my hard work over the last week. Which concerns me tbh, I'm keeping a tab on this, I don't want it to become an obsession. But at the same time, being a little more concerned would most certainly help with the cause.

I feel mean for not talking to him like I used to, but it's not as simple as that for me. I need to move on and the only way I know how is to cut him out, but at the same time I don't feel like I'm done there yet, which is infuriating as I don't know what's going on his head. Or well I do I suppose 'Abstinence. Aff the birds,' was a pretty big indicator. I wish he'd just come out and say he's not interested and we can stop this stupid fucking charade.

It's Friday, I'm expecting an inebriated text tonight, I long for it, and at the same time I dread it. I feel pathetic for smiling so enthusiastically when I see his name pop up as I know that as soon as I read the text I'll wish I'd never seen it, and wish we'd never decided to try a relationship. Because honestly, neither myself nor my life are anywhere near exciting enough for him, and I'm fine with that, i don't want to do the shit that he does. But he knew this, and he knew he'd find it difficult to tone all that down so as not to freak me out, so why did he bother with me in the first place?

Oh and Bolda's convinced that all Gordo's recent posts are about me. I say bullshit and I really hope I'm right. I knew we shouldn't have done what we did. With us, even hanging out is complicated, with neither willing to talk about what its doing to our mental state.

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Scratch that, turns out I can't count. I've actually lost 4lbs, since Thursday, happy girl!

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Turns out, to an extent, they are indeed all the same.

Matthew Conlon. Our relationship was a whirlwind of work-related drama and fighting to fit in time for each other. When we did find that time he was attentive, and adoring and loving. Though when the 'L word' was uttered I panicked and couldn't return it, entirely through fear, you must understand, not because I didn't feel the same.

I told him I loved him, after giving myself a kick up the ass to stop being so scared, we slept together and I was settled, ready for a long term thing.

Then the shit-storm that is his former employers screwed him over and his life became one teaming mass of lawyers and meetings and trying to ensure a future for himself. He told me he'd smoked with Luke, and then I knew things weren't going to last much longer.

And I was right, (I always am) about a month later he gives me the line 'I can't explain it, I just need to be myself right now'. Not 'be by myself', just 'be myself'. For the last month, every friday night I've had the usual drunken text, but now he's telling me it's not just drink he's having. He's confessed he thinks he has a problem and he broke up with to spare my feelings cause he knows I don't like that shit, but isn't texting me his worries etc the total opposite of that? I'm worried about him, when all I want to do is move on.

But until all that is resolved, I've been focusing on getting my body back, since Christmas, I've put on nearly a stone and quite frankly I needed to do something about it. It's going well, I'm not starving all the time anymore, and after weighing myself for the first time this morning, I'm elated to have lost 2lb over the weekend. I need to keep this up, it should be easier as now I'm starting to see results I'm actually motivated to ignore crisps, the like of which have been my downfall for too long!

Until next time.

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I got asked today if I miss him.

That's like asking me if I miss feeling worthless.

I miss the old him, and a part of me is clinging on in hopes that he'll come back. Not so that we can be together, but so that we can be friends. The way it's going I don't think we'll ever be anything other than hostile.

I resent him for what he did to me - everything he did to me. And I think on some level he must feel guilty. That's the only explanation I can think of for him still acting out even after it's been done for 4 months.

4 months. It doesn't feel that long. It's all a blur of co-codemol and diclofenic. April flew into May and before I know where I am it's the end of August and I'm finally starting to feel like myself again.

Well, until I see him. Especially if he's with her. And then I resort back to the crazy - not completely crazy - god forbid I show my emotions to my mother.

I don't know what I want.

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Who the fuck does he think he is asking me for favours?! He lost that right a long time ago.

Grow up and grow a pair. You know where I fucking live and you know when my dad is out.

You know me better than this. I don't respond to demands.

You want it? Come and fucking get it.

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I feel like I should thank him, as sick as that sounds.

I've never felt so free.

He did me the biggest favour and I wonder why I was so upset at losing him.

I guess I was still clinging onto the boy I fell in love with, convinced he'd come back to me, calling me 'Schteve' and telling me I'm beautiful.

I look at him now and I don't recognise him. I don't know this person in front of me. I don't remember what I ever saw in him, he's a child. When it comes down to it, he always was, I suppose.

Did I love him? I'm pretty sure I did. I'm now not convinced that he felt the same way. He kept me around because I made him look good in front of his parents, and I was a convenient fuck.

There might have been a small margin where he had strong feelings for me, for about 8 months, in the beginning, where he followed me around and watched in wonder while I spoke.

I saw the shift. The change from him being totally infatuated to me being the one holding onto him, knowing that I held no charms for him anymore.

I never forgave him for what he did to me the first time, so why do people think I'll forgive this time, when he hurt me far worse?

I know that I'm not in love with him anymore. The feelings I have are feelings I think I'll always have. Purely fond feelings of my first love. This revelation not only relieves me, but it also terrifies me. Its official that that chapter of my life is over. I have to start from scratch with someone new. I felt like I'd always known him, even when we'd only just met, so much so that I can't see myself ever having the same connection with anyone else.

That's probably a good thing. I let my guard down with him far too much. Maybe the next one won't fuck me over.

But then, they're all the same.

Aren't they?



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