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Had my first 'off day' yesterday, it wasn't as satisfying as I'd hoped. I just felt like I was wasting all my hard work over the last week. Which concerns me tbh, I'm keeping a tab on this, I don't want it to become an obsession. But at the same time, being a little more concerned would most certainly help with the cause.

I feel mean for not talking to him like I used to, but it's not as simple as that for me. I need to move on and the only way I know how is to cut him out, but at the same time I don't feel like I'm done there yet, which is infuriating as I don't know what's going on his head. Or well I do I suppose 'Abstinence. Aff the birds,' was a pretty big indicator. I wish he'd just come out and say he's not interested and we can stop this stupid fucking charade.

It's Friday, I'm expecting an inebriated text tonight, I long for it, and at the same time I dread it. I feel pathetic for smiling so enthusiastically when I see his name pop up as I know that as soon as I read the text I'll wish I'd never seen it, and wish we'd never decided to try a relationship. Because honestly, neither myself nor my life are anywhere near exciting enough for him, and I'm fine with that, i don't want to do the shit that he does. But he knew this, and he knew he'd find it difficult to tone all that down so as not to freak me out, so why did he bother with me in the first place?

Oh and Bolda's convinced that all Gordo's recent posts are about me. I say bullshit and I really hope I'm right. I knew we shouldn't have done what we did. With us, even hanging out is complicated, with neither willing to talk about what its doing to our mental state.

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