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I feel like I should thank him, as sick as that sounds.

I've never felt so free.

He did me the biggest favour and I wonder why I was so upset at losing him.

I guess I was still clinging onto the boy I fell in love with, convinced he'd come back to me, calling me 'Schteve' and telling me I'm beautiful.

I look at him now and I don't recognise him. I don't know this person in front of me. I don't remember what I ever saw in him, he's a child. When it comes down to it, he always was, I suppose.

Did I love him? I'm pretty sure I did. I'm now not convinced that he felt the same way. He kept me around because I made him look good in front of his parents, and I was a convenient fuck.

There might have been a small margin where he had strong feelings for me, for about 8 months, in the beginning, where he followed me around and watched in wonder while I spoke.

I saw the shift. The change from him being totally infatuated to me being the one holding onto him, knowing that I held no charms for him anymore.

I never forgave him for what he did to me the first time, so why do people think I'll forgive this time, when he hurt me far worse?

I know that I'm not in love with him anymore. The feelings I have are feelings I think I'll always have. Purely fond feelings of my first love. This revelation not only relieves me, but it also terrifies me. Its official that that chapter of my life is over. I have to start from scratch with someone new. I felt like I'd always known him, even when we'd only just met, so much so that I can't see myself ever having the same connection with anyone else.

That's probably a good thing. I let my guard down with him far too much. Maybe the next one won't fuck me over.

But then, they're all the same.

Aren't they?



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